So time has slipped by and I missed a week of posting.  Trying not to let that slide into two weeks so here I am at the eleventh hour … again. 

I actually started a post earlier in the week but never finished it.  By the time I got back to it the topic no longer interested me so I’m starting over.  Seems I’m starting over in a lot of ways these days.  You think I’d feel like I’ve actually learned some stuff at this point, but I know I’m still at the beginning of the beginning in the most important pursuit of my life - which is simply knowing him.

I sound like a broken record.  Seems like everything I write, everything I say, everything I pray always comes back to this - ”that I may know him.”   There really isn’t another topic that interests me all that much.  It’s even more at the forefront of my mind and heart lately because I just don’t feel like I’m pursuing Jesus as passionately as I have in the past.  I feel way too distracted way too often.  Although, as always, he is so incredibly tender and sweet with me and so graciously makes his presence real to me in so many ways every single day - I have often thought lately that I’m not pressing into him, not seeking after him, not longing for him like I have in seasons past.  That’s not okay with me.

I’ve prayed for him to pursue me. I’ve prayed for my heart to be awakened.  I’ve done everything I know to do to position myself for greater revelation of him - but more often than I would like I still find myself feeling just a little bit flat.  I can’t manufacture passion, it’s either birthed out of his heart and into mine or it’s just hyped up emotions.  I don’t do hyped up emotions.

Everytime I ask the Lord about it, it seems he just sort of smiles at me and tells me I’m in a good place.  I want to believe that’s really what he is saying, but sometimes it’s hard.  Yet he is so incredibly patient with me. He seems to be going to great pains lately to let me know I’m where I’m supposed to be doing what I’m supposed to be doing even though I would rather he challenge me into a place of deeper devotion. Intstead he loves me where I am and just keeps smiling at me.

I stopped by the prayer room tonight because I wanted to sit in his presence without distractions.  Not long after I got there Rob, one of our worship leaders, was talking about pressing through those “plateaus” we experience with the Lord.   It’s so tempting to just “top out” - to get to a place we’ve contended for and then camp out there rather than continuing to press on for an even deeper revelation of his heart.  My heart was so stirred.  The desire to know him more and want him more is so deep and real in my heart but it just doesn’t seem like there is much I can do to translate it into action these days.  I asked the Lord if I had hit a plateau, thinking maybe that was my problem.  He just smiled (again) and shook his head no.   Then immediately he gave me a cool little picture that sort of brought the season into focus…

I saw a series of multi-tiered platforms.   I was up on a high platform, but there was a ladder suspended from the top of the next platform.  I had grabbed the ladder and had climbed nearly to the top - it was a long climb.  Right above my head - actually within reach - was a trap door that accessed the next level.  I knew that once that door was released, all the blessings of that level - which included the answers to many prayers prayed in previous seasons - would be poured out.  Along  with the outpouring a way would be made to actually inhabit the next level - through the open door.

When we first break through to a new level we’re standing firm on that ground.  All the wisdom and revelation, all the fruit and blessings of that season are fresh and real.  But we’re not called to camp, we’re called to keep moving upward.  As we climb, the farther away we get from the breakthrough of the past season, the less certain and secure things seem.  So much so that by the time you get to the point where you are actually within reach of the next level, you feel like you are sort of suspended in air with nothing familiar to hold onto.  The things that were so prominent in the last season drift into a haze because you’ve climbed so far above them.  It feels really uncomfortable. There’s no place left to climb - the hard work is done.  The only thing you can do is tug on that rope and get ready for that latch to give way. 

I guess it really is a good place.  Doesn’t always feel so good but I know it is. What’s even better is I know that when that door gives way - what will be poured out is more of him.  More wisdom.  More revelation. More of his presence.  More of his heart. 

I can’t seem to do much to make it happen sooner, but it helps knowing it is so close - within arm’s reach.  He has heard my prayers.  He knows my hearts desire is to be wholly his and to burn with holy passion for him - always. Whether or not I feel that reality in the moment I’m praying is irrelevant.   He likes hearts that want to move toward him - and he moves toward them.

Hmm … I think I’m starting to understand why he’s been smiling. 

“I press on to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” - Phil. 3:14

I’ve been attempting to write “something” every week so I’m rushing to get a few thoughts down before this weekend completely slips away.  It’s been a busy week and a lot has happened.  There is no way I can do justice to all that God has been doing and showing me recently in the few brief moments I have to sit down at my computer. But I’ll do what I can.

When you get right down to it, that’s all he ever asks any of us to do - what we can.  And he’s never confused about what that does and doesn’t mean.  He knows exactly what I can and can’t do.  He knows where I have understanding, and where I’m still clueless.  He knows where I’m gifted and called, and where things just don’t fit.  He knows what I’m prepared for, and where there is still work to do.  Best of all, none of this impedes his work in and through my life one little bit.  As long as I’m still willing to do what I can.  And right now, what I can do is simply take a walk with him.

That’s what this season is all about for me - taking a walk.  It’s what I can do. But doing what I can has meant different things in different seasons.  There have been seasons (loooong seasons) of plowing hard ground.  There have been seasons of standing (”having done all, stand”). There have been seasons of taking great risks and seasons to reflect and rest.  But this season isn’t about any of those things.  All I hear him asking me to do right now is put one foot in front of the other and match his steps.  He just wants me to take a walk with him. 

Sounds simple.  And I suppose it actually is quite simple, but it’s not been particularly easy.   It’s not the walking part that’s difficult, it’s where the walk is leading.  I’m walking into things that I feel like I’ve tried and failed at a thousand times, but he says, “Walk there with me one more time.”  I’m walking into gifts and callings that have been up on the shelf so long I wasn’t sure they were ever real in the first place.  I’m walking back into dreams and desires that would really be so much easier to just give up on.  I’m walking out of a place of hiddenness and into the open.  Really, I’m walking into destiny.

I thought it would feel different.  Maybe it will at some point.  Right now, all I can do is grip his hand real tight and just keep walking.  It’s been a long road getting to this point and honestly I’m not sure I can do more than take one little baby step at a time. With each new step, I keep expecting to run into the same roadblocks that have hindered me in previous seasons but - little by little, bit by bit - he just keeps rolling out the red carpet.

I’m more accustomed to brick walls than red carpets, so my steps are still a bit tentative.  I’m in absolutely no hurry and I think he’s just fine with that.  He’s not asking me to run.  He’s not asking me to jump off a cliff or go out on a limb.  Been there, done that.  And if that was what he was asking me to do, I imagine the grace would be there and I would be able to do it again.  But he’s not asking me to do any of those things and I’m glad.  He’s just asking me to keep putting one foot in front of the other … and take a walk with him.

And maybe, just maybe, we’re actually going somewhere this time. 

I had a great day yesterday and my quick Facebook update last evening reflected that fact.  This is what I posted:  “Been completely undone most of the afternoon and I’m so glad.  Jesus is so ridiculously good it is embarassing.”

When I got home last night, there was a comment on the post:  “Really?  I would love to hear one of your God stories, would you share with me?”   So Tina, this “story” is for you.

I’ve actually heard a lot of great God stories lately.  I’ve seen breakthrough happening all around me.  I’m seeing more and more people stepping up and stepping out.  It’s awesome and it’s amazing.  I’ve seen and heard of incredible stories of opportunity and provision; of miraculous healings, salvations and deliverance; of divine appointments and God enounters of every shape and size.  For many, prayers prayed for years - if not decades - have come to fruition in a single moment.   I’ve seen more people take huge leaps of faith into divine destiny than ever before - and as they’ve stepped out onto the water, again and again, I’ve seen God meet them in remarkable ways. Yep, it seems that  ”God stories” have been abounding in this season like no other that I can recall.

I’ve had plenty of my own amazing God stories over the years. Sometimes I go back through my journals just to reflect upon and remember all the amazing things he’s done in my life.  Some of those things have been huge and miraculous; others have been simple and sweet divine moments that served to confirm his word and his promises.  All have testified to his goodness and his faithfulness.   I treasure each of them.  But there is something I treasure even more - and that “something” is at the heart of this story.

Ironically, I started the day yesterday by asking God to “do” something.  I’ve heard so many amazing testimonies lately that I guess I was feeling a little left out.  Sometimes it feels like it has been a while since he has done any real “God stuff” in my life.  I wanted to see something tangible.  I didn’t.  Instead I saw him.

And that’s my story.  That’s why it was such an amazing day. That’s why I was undone.  That’s why I was reminded - again - of how ridiculously good he is.   I simply spent the day hanging out with him.  He knows me better than I know me.  He knows what I need.  He knows what I want.  And what I need; what I want - is him.

This really is my story.  Honestly it’s the only one I’ve got.  At the end of the day, it’s the only one I really care about.  The other stories are great.  Miracles are great.  Breakthrough is great.  Being used by God is amazing.  Being blessed by God in tangible ways is wonderful.  Divine appointments and divine assignments  charge me up, but divine encounters fill me up.  Having a lot of God stories is great, but having a lot of God is better.  So, so much better. In fact, Someone I know called it “choosing the better part.”  I think he was onto something.

I love his presence.  I love him.  This is my story.  What’s funny is when I do just “hang out” with him, I tend to realize just how much “God stuff” he is doing in my life on a daily basis.  In many ways, the supernatural has become so natural to me that sometimes I simply forget how supernatural - and even miraculous - my life is virtually all the time.

Yes, I am still waiting for breakthrough in a number of areas.  And yes, I am still believing I’ll have some more great stories to share.  But there is no greater testimony - no greater story - than to simply be his.  It is my most fervent desire that this “one thing”  remain the overarching story of my life.

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. I am my Beloved’s and His desire is for me.

This is my story.  Anything else is pretty much filler.