Spiritual Bootcamp (Gratitude and Perspective, Pt 4)
Thursday, December 20th, 2007I wrote a post for this blog last night. I was feeling pretty low and it was pretty pathetic. Jesus deleted it. For real! I pressed “publish” and everything jammed. It completely disappeared–lost forever in cyber never-never land. Ironically that was probably the most encouraging part of my day yesterday.
God really is involved in even the tiniest details of our lives. I needed to be reminded of that so that’s what He did. But I didn’t really fully grasp it, or appreciate it, until this morning. Basically in my pitiful little post last night, I was “confessing a feeling” (actually several of them!)–I think the Lord would rather I confess the truth. I was seeking sympathy and support for my woeful lot. I think He would rather I seek first His kingdom. When I do it is not so surprising to discover that my formerly “woeful lot” doesn’t seem quite so woeful anymore.
Have my “woes” changed this morning? No. The only thing that has changed is my perspective. I had the webstream from IHOP in KC on this morning. Misty Edwards was singing about gratitude…basically that He owes us nothing but has given us everything. With the heaviness of the day before still hanging over me, I attempted as best as I was able, in my still quite pitiful state, to give thanks for all the blessings God has lavished on me. It was a really weak attempt, but I did genuinely try. In some ways I started to feel even worse, because I was ashamed that I didn’t “feel” grateful even though I knew I should be! But as an act of my will I continued to confess the things I knew I was genuinely grateful for in the reality of my heart. It didn’t change how I felt. I was still feeling oppressed and depressed but there was a slight little twinge of hope revived in me–in my inner man, not my emotions–as I simply confessed the truth. It helped to do what I knew was right even though I didn’t feel like it and nothing seemed to change.
Soon the prayer room transitioned from worship to intercession…for Israel. As they did, there was a slight–very slight–stirring in my spirit. In that moment I had a choice. I could get out of myself and turn my heart toward the things on His heart, or I could continue on in my “woes.” My conversation with Him went something like this:
“Well, Lord, it hasn’t been doing me a bit of good to focus on my life and circumstances and honestly it doesn’t seem like there is a darn thing I can do about all the things weighing on my heart, so instead, today, I am going to purpose to seek first Your kingdom and trust You to handle my life. I’ll be about Your business, Lord, and as an act of my will, I choose to believe You will be about mine. You know my heart is weak and weary, but it belongs to You, so fill it with the things on Your heart and help me to leave the things that are on my heart to You.”
With that I started engaging in the prayers being prayed in the room and within minutes my heart was revived and fully focused on His. My concerns and circumstances faded as the things on His heart came into focus once again. The here and now became secondary and the eternal became primary.
There is a very real battle raging around us. It is intensifying. I have had the sense on several occasions recently that I am in spiritual boot camp. I thought that happened years ago–and I guess it did–for that season. But this is a different time and a different type of battle. In a very real sense it is the battle. He is coming and life as we know it is changing. The preparation is often very hard and very unpleasant. I hate seeing the weakness of my own heart and flesh–not to mention the failings of my faith. During this season in my own life I am very much in need personally–in some ways probably more so than at any time in my Christian life–yet more aware than ever that I need to very purposefully turn my gaze away from those things and onto Jesus being mindful of the real battle. Never have I fought such temptation to be distracted by the cares of this life. And the truth is that often I do give in to that temptation and I do get distracted. I want to give up regularly. But one thing keeps me hanging on…the Truth.
I am not of this world. I wasn’t born for this world. I don’t live for this world. Understanding that truth is good, but it is also hard. When you are not of this world and don’t live for this world, you are extremely uncomfortable in this world. You don’t fit in. I don’t fit in. But when my eyes on are eternity–the reality I was created for–I don’t care about fitting in here. I don’t even care all that much about my circumstances here. When I lose that perspective, I sink like a lead balloon. All the “reality” of my current circumstances comes crashing in on me and “life” seems hopeless and overwhelming. Prayer seems futile. After all I’ve prayed for so many things–good and godly things–that have remained unanswered for so long. If I kept my focus there, I would give up. With a temporal perspective, many things in this “life” are hopeless! Paul said if we have hope in this life only we are of all men to be the most pitied. But we’ve been given eternal life. And this is eternal life—to know Him. To know what’s on His heart. To know what He desires. To know what He’s doing. And if we want to, He even lets us join Him! That’s real life.
…Because He won’t let go. He won’t quit loving me. He won’t quit desiring my participation in His plans and purposes. He won’t quit wooing me. He won’t quit teaching me. He won’t quit disciplining me. He is as relentless in His pursuit of my heart as He desires me to become in my pursuit of His. He won’t give up on me, so I’m placing my confidence in His ability and willingness to finish what He’s started. There is something deep within me that knows He will.
And for that I am grateful. Eternally.