Here I am again, Lord.  Not knowing where to turn.  Not knowing what’s next.  Opening my heart and my life before You.  I have no secrets I’m attempting to keep from You.  You see it all.  You know it all.  Every failure.  Every desire.  Every thought.  Every dream.  Every tear.  Every hope.  Every hurt.  You know each one.  You know me. And You love me.

Here I am again, Lord.  At times I’m immobilized by pain too deep for words, yet propelled by truth that runs even deeper.  You are faithful.  You have never failed me.  You will never leave me.  Your love endures forever.  Your grace is sufficient.  I know these things.  They sustain me, but they don’t make it easy.  And they don’t remove the hurt.

Here I am again, Lord.  Wishing I was further along.  Wishing my faith didn’t falter.  Wishing I could always be “up” and mean it.  Wishing I didn’t march to such a different beat.  Wishing I wasn’t always on such a different page.  Wishing that soaring higher didn’t always mean going so much lower.  Wishing I didn’t see so much, so often, and so clearly.  Wishing I could be satisfied with lesser things.  But I can’t. You’ve ruined me.  I’ve seen Your face.  I’ve tasted Your heart.  I’ve seen what You see and felt what You feel.  Nothing will ever be the same. 

Here I am again, Lord.  Falling on Your mercy.  Leaning on Your grace.  Remembering the words You’ve spoken to me.  You went to such great lengths to make sure I counted the cost.  You offered me an easier path before I went too far.  You offered me the opportunity to turn back before it was too late.  But now it is too late.  We both know it.  I’ve jumped into the ocean and I can’t go back to dipping my toes in a wading pool. The wading pool seemed fun for awhile.  Although it was always safe, it actually seemed a bit adventurous at the time. Now it just seems as shallow as it really is. The ocean, on the other hand, is vastly deep.  The waves are unpredictable and it isn’t at all safe. But I’m out too far and I honestly don’t think I could swim back to the shore even if I wanted to.   

Here I am again, Lord.  Knowing You are the only One who really knows where “here” is.      Knowing You are the only One who truly understands the path I’ve chosen.  Knowing You are the only One who knows exactly where this path will lead.  Knowing that You are the only One who can take me there.  And knowing that my soul will only be satisfied with the path that will lead me as close to Your heart as any human being has ever dared to go. 

Here I am again, Lord.  Deep crying out to deep.  My spirit crying out to Your Spirit.  My heart desperately desiring to taste more of Yours.  And yet my flesh balks.  Sometimes I shut down and think I just can’t take anymore.  The fire in Your eyes burns so intensely that sometimes it is just too much and I try to look away.  But I can never look away for long.  The fire You’ve already ignited within me draws me back again and again.  My heart has been branded with the fiery seal of Your divine desire and the flames have been stoked too often to be quenched.   It burns relentlessly, whether I think I can take it or not.

Here I am again, Lord.  Coming before Your face.  Bowing before Your throne.  Humbled not just by Your majesty, but also by Your meekness and mercy, as I see You, the High and Lofty Uncreated One, once again extending Your arm down, down, down into the depths of fallen humanity just to lift me up.  Despite my ongoing weakness, wretchedness, and even wishy-washiness, You still reach down to lift me up. 

So, here I am again, Lord.  I have nothing to give You.  No great gifts, no fancy ministry, nothing the world sees as valuable—everything about me, everything I have, and everything I am, seems so plain, so simple, and so completely lacking in frills. But I do have one thing no one else can give You—me.  I give You my heart.  I give You my life.  Such as it is God, it is Yours.  All Yours.  I am the offering.  It’s not much, but it’s absolutely everything I have to give.  And as Your holy fire continues its ongoing work of burning away every last impurity in my heart, I pray that the offering of my life will ultimately rise as a sweet, soothing, and pleasing aroma before Your throne.

Here I am again, Lord … to give myself to You.  

I have been feeling like it is time to give a bit more of an update on how things have been progressing since the prayer room opened a little over a month ago.  Honestly, it has been a bit of a mixed bag and I suppose I have wanted to be able to share only glowing praise reports.  To be sure, there have been some wonderful praises, but the rollercoaster ride has also continued with plenty of ups and downs. That is usually the reality of life on a fallen planet!

I do want to issue a great BIG thank you to those who have prayed.  I know God is listening and answering.  There have been some VERY rough patches (wish I could say I thought I was past them, but honestly it doesn’t seem that way …)—as I’ve said before I have never felt like it has cost so much emotional and spiritual energy to simply stand and not be moved—yet I have also never been in a season where God has so directly and quickly answered my pathetic little cries for encouragement as He has in the past few weeks.  Each time I have felt like I can’t stand my ground another minute, He has spoken to me directly, or sent someone to say exactly what I have needed to hear in that moment.  He has even literally sent strangers in off the street to hand deliver His messages! Can’t say I’ve ever experienced that before!  I think it is because He has known the truth—I have desperately needed every single Word He has given me.  So much of what He is saying seems to directly contradict logic and good sense, not to mention what I see in the natural, yet He keeps confirming His Word, so I keep holding on.    Guess my faith isn’t quite what I would have liked to think it was, but I would rather confess my need and have Him meet me, than pretend I’m doing better than I really am.  It has been wonderful, but it has also been very, very hard.

Things in the prayer room have been slow, but God has consistently brought the people He has invited to come in a specific moment and He has met them.  In fact there hasn’t been a single person who has come in for prayer that God hasn’t shown up to meet in a profound way.  Thank You, Jesus!  He has been consistently meeting me there too. :-)   I have so needed the time alone in His presence that honestly there is a big part of me that often hopes no one will come in for big chunks of time so I can just be with Him.  But, of course, I am there for His pleasure, and I rest in His sovereignty and perfect timing in who He brings and when (most of the time I rest in that, anyway!). 

Similarly, our prayer meetings have consisted of a very intimate group, yet each time heaven has literally opened up over us.  I love to pray (because I love to hang out with Jesus!) and have been a part of many, many prayer meetings over the years, but I have rarely experienced such powerful and intense times of intercession where there has been such a great degree of confidence that we are truly partnering with God in His desires.  Hours have gone by and it has felt like minutes.   While I certainly hope the Lord will bring whoever He desires, I would rather maintain the level of faith and purity in those meetings with a handful of people who have open hungry hearts than have a room full of people filled with unbelief.     My desire is that the Lord will draw the hungry ones—not necessarily those who think they “know” how to pray, but those who are desperate enough for Jesus that they actually believe He’ll show up and answer.  I read somewhere years ago that intercession isn’t taught, it’s caught.  I desire for The Well to be a place where “intercession is caught” by being able to model prayer in an environment of faith and freedom where the Holy Spirit is truly invited to lead the meetings. 

Although the prayer meetings have been small, ironically the Lord has been pressing on my heart that it is His desire to add additional weekly prayer meetings.  I know He will reveal His perfect timing and also the perfect dates and times!

Going forward my greatest desire is to share more and more of God’s heart and partner with Him in those desires.  And, of course, to remain faithful in whatever He places before me.  Those are also my deepest needs in prayer.  But, for those who would like some specifics to pray for, I would very much appreciate your prayers for the following:

1. Strength, wisdom, and discernment to keep moving forward without distraction—no matter what that looks like to me or anyone else.
2. To be free from the distractions and distortions caused by discouragement.
3. To have the faith to step out to add new prayer meetings as the Lord leads.  My “fleece” before Him is that I will add additional meetings whenever there is at least one other person who will commit to a certain time/day of the week.
4. For God’s wisdom, timing, and provision for a transition from my current job.  This job has been a wonderful provision but it is a VERY demanding position and it has become increasingly obvious that I can’t continue to do justice to my responsibilities there and still pour my heart and energy into Waiting at the Well.  It was always intended to be a temporary solution, but time does move on and it has been easy to get comfortable and forget the temporary part.  The Lord isn’t allowing that and I have encouraged them to be actively looking for someone to take my place, which they are doing.  Of course that will leave me with a different dilemma!   (Rent still needs to be paid… )
5. My heart is aching to return to Israel in October (by myself, not with a team) and I believe the Lord keeps saying I’m to go, but financially it looks impossible.  Praying for confirmation and provision if it is indeed His timing.
6. I am asking the Lord to raise up one or two people to keep the prayer room open and lead prayer watches when I am out of town (sometimes way out….!) which is often.
7. For the preparation and provision for the right team members for trips coming up to Thailand in March 08 and Israel again in May 08

Well that’s a lot, but that’s it for now.  Despite the difficulties, I have no regrets.  I am truly blessed just to be His.  Whatever He wants, He can have.  He is worth it.

Still waiting for Him,Cindy