It’s been quite a week.  Sometimes the reality of living in a restless, fallen world is like that.  Unexpected things have happened that have broken my heart.  Good things that were expected didn’t materialize.  Delays and disappointments have been the norm along with a variety of other perplexing circumstances popping up at exactly the wrong time.  It’s been one of those weeks where the cares of the world have pressed in from every side and tried every which way to steal my peace.

But it’s not working.  It’s not working because I’m learning to live in the strive free zone.  Really, I’m learning to live in rest.

Don’t get me wrong–it hasn’t been a stress free zone.  Not by a long shot.  It hasn’t been fun and it hasn’t been easy.  I haven’t always been in a good mood and I haven’t always been filled with faith.  My heart has been hurting  and I’ve been more than a little confused and discouraged. But one thing I haven’t been is anxious or worried.

Really, the bottom line is that I can’t fix any of the things that have been pressing on my heart.  If I could, trust me, I would.  Maybe the past couple decades or so of learning–often out of necessity–to let go and leave things in the hands of the only One who can truly “fix” anything have actually had some sort of impact.  His ways are not my ways, and his timing is rarely my timing–but he has also never failed me.

It has been so tempting to dwell on what I might be doing “wrong.”  It is tempting to question why certain things have happened, and also why certain other things have not happened.  When you’re still waiting for breakthrough in many “near and dear” areas after years and years of praying every way you know to pray and doing everything you know to do, “What am I doing wrong?” sounds like a a pretty legitimate question!  But a friend recently challenged me with an even better question: “What are you doing right?”

What I do right is seek his face.  What I do right is hang out with him without an agenda.  What I do right is long for his courts and hunger after the things of his heart.  What I do right is cling to his word and hope in his goodness.    And what I’m learning to do right is rest in his faithfulness.

Rest.  That really is what it boils down to.  It’s not giving up.  It’s not giving in.  Instead it’s running into him. The battle is for rest, because from rest the battle is won. 

By my own efforts I will never get it all just right.  So instead of striving to make things happen–no matter how good and noble those things may be–I’m going to put my energy into something that actually makes a difference.  I’m going to be diligent to enter into his rest.   Only when my heart is at rest and my gaze is fixed on him, can I truly seek his kingdom and his righteousness from his perspective.  Then I’ll have the energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other–and the focus to simply keep doing the things he has clearly shown me to do. 

I don’t control what happens in this “rest-less” world, but I can choose not to allow that restlessness to enter my own soul.  I can’t make the world stress free, but I can live in the strive free zone.  I can live in a place of rest.  Jesus lived in such a place of rest that he was able to sleep through a storm that completely overwhelmed his disciples.  Once they woke him up, he was able to calm that same storm with a simple command.  I’m convinced we can learn to do the same.  Bill Johnson puts it this way, “We only have authority over the storms we can sleep through.”   In other words, we bring peace into any storm that doesn’t disturb our rest.

Hmm … sleeping through the storms of life.  I’m not there yet, but I want to be.  As a matter of fact, I think I might feel a little yawn coming on.  Must be time for a bit of rest …

In the strive free zone.

Time.  Seems there is never enough of it.  I find myself running late far too often.  On any given day I feel like I’m behind on dozens of things. That feeling often carries over from a task level to a heart level.  Often I feel like I’m behind in life. I feel like there are so many things that I should have accomplished by now.  There are many things that I thought would be different by this stage of my life.  Many areas where I had no idea breakthrough would take so long.  Beyond my own life, there are so many areas I thought we (the church) would have laid hold of by now.  It’s easy to get caught up in thinking that there are areas where we’ve just plain “missed it” but I don’t think God ever views it that way.

Several times recently the Lord has challenged me to think of time differently.  Not too long ago I heard a Vineyard song from some years back and a particular line kept jumping out and hitting my heart: “Time is my ally in proving Your love to be true.”

Time as an ally.  Hmmm.  Not how I usually think of it.   But in proving the faithfulness of God, time is an ally!  God, of course, lives outside of time.  He is not bound by the minutes on the clock or the days on the calendar.  He is the Ancient of Days and He sees the beginning from the end.  He always was, is, and forever will be the Sovereign of all creation.   He is not late and He is not running out of time.  He has already seen every decision we will ever make, both individually and collectively. He knows the times and He knows the seasons. Time bows to Him.  And my times are in His hands.

He knew the date, hour and even the minute of my birth.  He knew the generation I’d be living in.  He knew my strengths and He knew my weaknesses.  He knew the exact moment my eyes and heart would be opened to the reality of His love - and He’s known every detail of every victory and heartbreak since then.  My job is simply to say yes and then keep listening for, and taking, the next step. And even if I miss a few, He already knew and He’s planned for that, too!

I’m not late.  You’re not late.  We’re not late.  And God certainly isn’t late.  We’re right on time.  The timetable of eternity is intact.  Does that mean we don’t each have a part to play in partnering with God in His purposes?  Of course we do.  We do need to keep saying yes and we do need to keep putting one foot in front of the other as He leads us.  Unfortunately, it is all too easy to miss our hour of visitation.  We still have choices and we can choose to grow impatient and do our own thing.  But if we’re watching, if we’re waiting - then so is He.  Even if you have checked out of God’s purposes, it’s not too late.  He already knew and He planned ahead.  At this very moment, you can jump back into the timetable of heaven.  He is the great Redeemer.  He is the great Restorer.  He doesn’t just redeem the time - He can even restore the years!  (Joel 2: 25)

Time is my ally in proving His love to be true.  Time is my ally in proving His faithfulness.  Time is my ally in watching and waiting for the plans and purposes of God - the promises of God - to unfold.  

Maybe I’m not running behind afterall.  In fact, I think I might actually be right on time.

I’ve been attempting to write “something” every week so I’m rushing to get a few thoughts down before this weekend completely slips away.  It’s been a busy week and a lot has happened.  There is no way I can do justice to all that God has been doing and showing me recently in the few brief moments I have to sit down at my computer. But I’ll do what I can.

When you get right down to it, that’s all he ever asks any of us to do - what we can.  And he’s never confused about what that does and doesn’t mean.  He knows exactly what I can and can’t do.  He knows where I have understanding, and where I’m still clueless.  He knows where I’m gifted and called, and where things just don’t fit.  He knows what I’m prepared for, and where there is still work to do.  Best of all, none of this impedes his work in and through my life one little bit.  As long as I’m still willing to do what I can.  And right now, what I can do is simply take a walk with him.

That’s what this season is all about for me - taking a walk.  It’s what I can do. But doing what I can has meant different things in different seasons.  There have been seasons (loooong seasons) of plowing hard ground.  There have been seasons of standing (”having done all, stand”). There have been seasons of taking great risks and seasons to reflect and rest.  But this season isn’t about any of those things.  All I hear him asking me to do right now is put one foot in front of the other and match his steps.  He just wants me to take a walk with him. 

Sounds simple.  And I suppose it actually is quite simple, but it’s not been particularly easy.   It’s not the walking part that’s difficult, it’s where the walk is leading.  I’m walking into things that I feel like I’ve tried and failed at a thousand times, but he says, “Walk there with me one more time.”  I’m walking into gifts and callings that have been up on the shelf so long I wasn’t sure they were ever real in the first place.  I’m walking back into dreams and desires that would really be so much easier to just give up on.  I’m walking out of a place of hiddenness and into the open.  Really, I’m walking into destiny.

I thought it would feel different.  Maybe it will at some point.  Right now, all I can do is grip his hand real tight and just keep walking.  It’s been a long road getting to this point and honestly I’m not sure I can do more than take one little baby step at a time. With each new step, I keep expecting to run into the same roadblocks that have hindered me in previous seasons but - little by little, bit by bit - he just keeps rolling out the red carpet.

I’m more accustomed to brick walls than red carpets, so my steps are still a bit tentative.  I’m in absolutely no hurry and I think he’s just fine with that.  He’s not asking me to run.  He’s not asking me to jump off a cliff or go out on a limb.  Been there, done that.  And if that was what he was asking me to do, I imagine the grace would be there and I would be able to do it again.  But he’s not asking me to do any of those things and I’m glad.  He’s just asking me to keep putting one foot in front of the other … and take a walk with him.

And maybe, just maybe, we’re actually going somewhere this time. 

I had a great day yesterday and my quick Facebook update last evening reflected that fact.  This is what I posted:  “Been completely undone most of the afternoon and I’m so glad.  Jesus is so ridiculously good it is embarassing.”

When I got home last night, there was a comment on the post:  “Really?  I would love to hear one of your God stories, would you share with me?”   So Tina, this “story” is for you.

I’ve actually heard a lot of great God stories lately.  I’ve seen breakthrough happening all around me.  I’m seeing more and more people stepping up and stepping out.  It’s awesome and it’s amazing.  I’ve seen and heard of incredible stories of opportunity and provision; of miraculous healings, salvations and deliverance; of divine appointments and God enounters of every shape and size.  For many, prayers prayed for years - if not decades - have come to fruition in a single moment.   I’ve seen more people take huge leaps of faith into divine destiny than ever before - and as they’ve stepped out onto the water, again and again, I’ve seen God meet them in remarkable ways. Yep, it seems that  ”God stories” have been abounding in this season like no other that I can recall.

I’ve had plenty of my own amazing God stories over the years. Sometimes I go back through my journals just to reflect upon and remember all the amazing things he’s done in my life.  Some of those things have been huge and miraculous; others have been simple and sweet divine moments that served to confirm his word and his promises.  All have testified to his goodness and his faithfulness.   I treasure each of them.  But there is something I treasure even more - and that “something” is at the heart of this story.

Ironically, I started the day yesterday by asking God to “do” something.  I’ve heard so many amazing testimonies lately that I guess I was feeling a little left out.  Sometimes it feels like it has been a while since he has done any real “God stuff” in my life.  I wanted to see something tangible.  I didn’t.  Instead I saw him.

And that’s my story.  That’s why it was such an amazing day. That’s why I was undone.  That’s why I was reminded - again - of how ridiculously good he is.   I simply spent the day hanging out with him.  He knows me better than I know me.  He knows what I need.  He knows what I want.  And what I need; what I want - is him.

This really is my story.  Honestly it’s the only one I’ve got.  At the end of the day, it’s the only one I really care about.  The other stories are great.  Miracles are great.  Breakthrough is great.  Being used by God is amazing.  Being blessed by God in tangible ways is wonderful.  Divine appointments and divine assignments  charge me up, but divine encounters fill me up.  Having a lot of God stories is great, but having a lot of God is better.  So, so much better. In fact, Someone I know called it “choosing the better part.”  I think he was onto something.

I love his presence.  I love him.  This is my story.  What’s funny is when I do just “hang out” with him, I tend to realize just how much “God stuff” he is doing in my life on a daily basis.  In many ways, the supernatural has become so natural to me that sometimes I simply forget how supernatural - and even miraculous - my life is virtually all the time.

Yes, I am still waiting for breakthrough in a number of areas.  And yes, I am still believing I’ll have some more great stories to share.  But there is no greater testimony - no greater story - than to simply be his.  It is my most fervent desire that this “one thing”  remain the overarching story of my life.

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. I am my Beloved’s and His desire is for me.

This is my story.  Anything else is pretty much filler.

It seems that almost everyone is concerned about the economy these days.  I can relate.  From the world’s perspective I am personally in a more “precarious” financial position than I have ever been in–which is saying something since I have been through some pretty lean times!  Yet for the most part (most of the time anyway) God has kept my heart and mind in His perfect peace.  I need to keep reminding myself that God doesn’t do “recession”.  There is no lack in His Kingdom–ever.

This past weekend, the Lord underscored this fact to me.   As I walked into church on Sunday, one of our more “prophetic” guys walked up to me and said that as soon as I walked in the door, he heard the Lord say “a new room.”  He prayed for me, but the Lord didn’t really give him much more detail.  Yet as he was praying for me, the phrase “heaven’s storeroom” came into my mind  so I began chatting with the Lord about this.  I wasn’t sure that His ”storeroom” could be the “new” room” since I had surely recieved from this room on many occasions.  Yet as we were worshiping that morning I felt like the Lord did indeed bring me into His storeroom.  He told me I had received from this room but that I had not actually entered it before. I did that day.

There is a LOT I could write about what I saw in that room, but I’ll save most of it for another time.  I feel like it is indeed a new room the Lord has invited me into, and one I look forward to exploring in greater depth in the days to come.  But there is one thing that immediately jumped out at me as I entered this room that I do want to share in this post. 

When I walked into the door of this enormous and seemingly endless room, there was a small bookcase type structure to the right of the door.  When I looked at it, I realized that the bottom shelf of this one little bookcase contained all the material and financial resources I would ever need in my lifetime!  Not only that, I had the distinct impression that there was enough contained on that one tiny little shelf of that one tiny little bookcase to provide for all the financial needs of the entire world.  When I looked at that little shelf and then looked at the vast expanse of the room–needless to say, I got a jolt of perspective.  

It is not a big deal for God to provide for our material needs and He is most certainly not the least bit “stressed” about the economy.  Even more, He knows that what the world calls “riches” are wholly insignificant compared to vast and eternal treasures of heaven that are available to those who simply believe and “seek first the kingdom of God.”  It was also very telling that the shelf was readily avialable (right by the door) and easy to reach (everything was on the bottom shelf).  It seemed to me that when we keep our material needs in perspective, we won’t need to stress or strive to have those needs met.  After all, “Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they? “  The answer of course is: Yes, you are!  So valuable in fact, that you were worth the precious blood of God’s own Son.  And if God didn’t withhold His very best, how could He possibly fail to meet our most basic needs?

“But Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matt.6:33). 

To me, the question isn’t how do we access heaven’s provision because I think the Lord has already clearly provided us with the answer to that question.  The only question I do have is this: What does it really look like to “seek first His kingdom?”  That’s what I want to spend my energy learning–and not in fretting about how to make ends meet.

I think I’m going to enjoy exploring this “new” room!

Originally posted January 14, 2007:

On a Friday evening in early December I had the privilege of speaking at a Christmas event at a church on California’s beautiful central coast. I spent the night in the area and headed home fairly early Saturday morning. I contemplated taking the more scenic coastal route, but since I was drained from the night’s ministry and had many chores waiting for me, I decided to take the most direct and least congested route home.

That’s what I decided. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” As I headed home, I missed a turn. Then another road that should have taken me where I needed to go was blocked and I found myself in the middle of a detour. It seemed like I was going in circles until I made one final turn that led me right up to the on-ramp for the south bound 101—the coastal route home. I thought to myself, Well, at least I’ll know where I am if I take this route! So I did.

It wasn’t long before I realized my little detour was no accident. I love the ocean. It centers me. When I first began regularly speaking and ministering publicly, I would I often escape to the beach the next day to “debrief” with the Lord. There is something about the ocean that immediately draws me into His presence. It seems that when I watch the waves crash onto the shore, waves of His love wash over my very being and revive my soul. This day was no exception.

I pulled off onto a little lookout point in Pismo Beach and marveled at the stunning beauty of His creation. The view was breathtaking. It had rained the night before and there were still several dark clouds in the sky, but they couldn’t hold back the brightness of the sun. Rays of light shot through the clouds and were reflected on the ocean’s surface. As the waves crashed on the rocks below, it was as if the ocean itself was performing an exuberant dance of praise to its Maker. All I could do was watch and weep at the sheer beauty of who He is and what He has made.

Finally, I knew I needed to get back on the road. I started back toward my car, but was prompted to turn around for one more look. As I did, the view was the most exquisite of the day. As I took it in, it seemed the Lord whispered to my heart, I painted that picture just for you. In fact, I would have put that whole ocean out there just for you.

I knew it was true. There is absolutely no limit to the good things God will bestow upon those who love Him. He delights in giving good gifts to His children, just as we delight in giving good gifts to ours. Slowly, over time, I have learned to receive the gifts God wants to give me. In fact, sometimes I even ask for more!

And that’s just what I did. I took in the beauty that was before me. From my heart, I thanked Him. But then I also asked Him for something else. Lord, it’s been a long time since You’ve painted a sunset for me. Would You do that for me again soon, please?

Jesus and I have a history with sunsets. When the Lord began to awaken my heart to the reality of His love, I happened to work in an area that gave me a wonderful view of the spectacular west coast skyline. On my way home, I would gaze upon His handiwork in the evening sky as He captured my heart over and over again by telling me that He designed each unique sunset just for me. This went on for quite some time, but as the months, then years, went by, I didn’t think to look quite so often. Later still, I moved away and didn’t often have such an obvious reminder of God’s extravagant love displayed right before my eyes. Every now and again, though, I would remember those times and I’d ask Him to “paint” another sunset just for me. Occasionally He would gently remind me that I had missed more than a few because I had simply forgotten to look, but more often than not He would graciously nudge me at just the right time and in just the right place, and once again I would be face to face with another incredible demonstration of His glory.

On this particular day when I asked, I immediately sensed His Spirit saying, I’ll do it today! But I quickly dismissed the thought. It was still morning and I expected to be home no later than early afternoon. I had lots to do and didn’t plan to go out again that day. Since you can’t see the sunset from my house, I assumed it was just a stray thought and figured the Lord would answer me another way on some other day.

I got back on the road and everything appeared to be on schedule for a while. The traffic was light, the view was great, it was a glorious day and I felt like I was just along for the ride. But then things changed. Traffic slowed down. Just a bit at first, but then it became a torturous crawl. After what seemed like hours, I finally came to a junction where I was able to change course and I started moving again. As I did, I realized I would be traveling right by some places that would be practical for me run some unscheduled errands. With all the changes in plans, the day wore on and by the time I was finally nearing home, the glimpse of His beauty I’d seen earlier in the day had become a distant memory. Instead, I was just plain tired. So tired, in fact, that I wasn’t paying much attention and missed the turnoff onto the final freeway that would have taken me home.

As soon as I realized what I had done, I started to get frustrated. I was so weary at this point that I was nearly in tears—I just wanted to go home. But before I could give in to the frustration, I remembered how the Lord had so obviously orchestrated my little detour earlier in the day and I started to pray. Lord, You’ve always been so faithful to order my steps. Thank You for the beautiful view earlier today, I know there is purpose and opportunity in every step of the journey. You know how tired I am, but I trust You to get me safely home. As I was praying, I spotted an off-ramp to turn around on. I realized that I didn’t want to “blame” God for my own carelessness in missing the first one, so as I headed down the ramp, I started to add to my prayer, “Of course I’m completely responsible for my own carelessness…” but before I could finish my thought, the view in front of me changed my mind and my sentence drifted off in another direction “…or maybe not!”

The off-ramp I was heading down faced due west. My little detour had exhausted so much of the day that it was now early evening. I looked up as I exited the freeway and came face to face with one of the most beautiful displays of God’s splendor that I have ever seen. The sun was just beginning to dip behind the mountains and it hung in the sky like a blazing ball of fire. It was surrounded by perfect prisms of light that literally burst through the cloudy sky. The surrounding sky was just beginning to turn shades of purple and pink, but that wasn’t the focus—my eyes were riveted to the sun itself. Its glory simply couldn’t be diminished or hidden by the dark clouds in the sky. In fact, they only added to its beauty. Of all the sunsets Jesus had painted for me, this one was, by far, the most spectacular. All the weariness of the journey was lost in that single moment of gazing upon His glory. And it was well worth it.

Of course I remembered His gentle whisper from earlier in the day. My eyes filled with tears as I realized, once again, that despite being quite different than what I had expected or planned, the Lord had faithfully brought me to exactly the right place, at exactly the right time. And, once again, He not only kept His word … He did more.

Sometimes life will lead us down roads we never planned to travel. Although there are glimpses of His beauty along the way, often the journey is long and we grow weary. Just stay on the road. His divine detours are always perfectly planned and perfectly timed. He knows the way and He will lead us safely home—at just the right time. And when He does, all the weariness of the journey will be lost in a single moment of gazing upon the glory of the Son.

He will keep His word … and more.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” –I Corinthians 5:9

Originally posted January 7, 2007: 

Psalm 27:4 “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple.”

Jesus has been my “One thing” for years now, but lately these words have taken on new meaning for me. Since I have discovered that He truly is my ONLY remaining desire, I find myself trying to navigate some new, and very deep, waters. Wrote these words in my journal a day or two before the New Year began:

Show me, Lord
I’m empty
I’m longing
You are my One thing
Now what?
I long for You so desperately
I have no dreams
No desires
No hope … but You
Only You
Have I gone too far?
Have I done something wrong?
Did I let go of something I should have held on to?
Show me, Lord
I’m empty
I’m longing
No, it’s more than longing
I’m burning
You ARE my One thing
Now what?
Show me, Lord
Show me what Your heart desires
Because my heart desires only You

********
Lord,

I need You so desperately–now more than ever, as I learn to walk a new way in a new season. Everything has changed, Lord. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. I just know that absolutely everything is different. I never thought I’d say this, but I feel like I’m maxed. I long for You so desperately that I literally don’t know if I can take anymore. That’s a problem, because my heart keeps crying out for more anyway. My heart always yearns for more. I desperately need You to show me how to walk with my feet on this planet when my heart is aching for You with an intensity that seems beyond my ability to bear. Every day I wait for You, my heart aches. My heart yearns. Each day that goes by, it seems that more and more of my heart is breaking into a million little pieces–each piece longing to find its home in You.

Lord, You’ve given me the gift of spiritual hunger. You have blessed me with a heart that has longed for You deeply, and often, through the years, but not like this. Never, ever, like this. I keep thinking I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Gotten out of balance. Gotten off track. Didn’t keep healthy boundaries. Jumped too far out into the deep end. I suppose I could find many who would agree with that assessment. It would seem to make the most sense. But the things of Your heart rarely make “sense” to our human understanding. And when I stop to listen, I hear Your Spirit whisper something altogether different. Over and over again You remind me that I asked for this. I pleaded with You to share Your heart with me. I said I didn’t care what it cost. I said it didn’t matter how desperately it caused me to ache for You. I simply had to taste the deep places in Your heart.

Now I have. I mean, I really have. But what have I done? I can’t go back. I have gone too far. I have jumped in too deep. No, I can’t go back–not even a little bit. Not now, not ever. The whole of my life is swallowed up in Yours. There is quite literally nothing to go back to. Everything I am, everything I have, everything I’ll ever be–is Yours. All Yours. Yet it still isn’t enough. I long to give You more. I long to give You more because I know Your longing has yet to be satisfied. It is still bigger. It is still deeper. It is more intense than humanly imaginable.

Jesus, I always knew You longed for Your bride, but in the shallowness of my humanity, I simply didn’t “get it.” Forgive me, Lord. This pain, this ache, this all-consuming passion, this jealous zeal, this longing too deep for words, this desperate desire that is, at times, almost unbearable–it’s not even mine. It’s Yours. It has always been and, until it reaches its ultimate fulfillment, it will always be–Yours.

I long to be with You, sweet Jesus–even as I know You long to be with me. But there is something much bigger going on. Your longing is much, much bigger. You long for me, yes–passionately–but You have me. You don’t have Your bride. And Your heart’s desire will never be fulfilled until she is with You where You are. So You wait–patiently–even as Your heart aches with longing. And, in my own heart as I write these words, I know that the very hardest thing You could possibly ask of me is precisely the thing You want from me most … that I would spend my life on this planet simply waiting with You and sharing the deepest longing of Your heart.

I don’t know how to do that. I don’t feel equipped to do that. I don’t feel qualified to do that. I don’t know what it will look like. I don’t know what it will feel like. I don’t know what it will ultimately cost. And I honestly don’t even know if I can bear it. But I also don’t know how to say ‘no’ to You.

Yes, everything has changed. Except You. You always remain the same. You have forever been, and forever will be, faithful. So I choose to trust You, Lord. And if You have chosen to trust this frail, fickle, weak human vessel with Your heart, then I choose to trust You with mine.

Yes, Love. Now and forever, whatever Your heart desires from me–my answer is simply “yes.”
 

Note on May 8, 2007:  A few days after this was originally posted, I was at a church and saw this on the wall “After the ‘One Thing’ comes the next thing.”   Jesus has been so good and faithful to show me the ‘next thing’ … after the ‘One Thing.”