Just pondering this morning (again) how desperately I need him and how desperately I need to remain in his presence.  Of course, he is with me always - but I’m much more aware of that fact at certain times than at others.  Been learning over the years to “practice” his presence (as Brother Lawrence put it) in all seasons of life and in all circumstances.  The more I lay hold of that reality, the more I find I need to lay hold of that reality!  I need him more and more each and every day.  But I know that I am, even now, seated in heavenly realms with Christ, and it is when I remain consciously aware of that fact and veiw life from that perspective that I remain at peace.  

This morning, as I purposed to set my heart and mind “on things above” I found myself pouring out my heart to him once again.  Oh how I love his presence.  Oh how I love him….

It’s been quite a week.  Sometimes the reality of living in a restless, fallen world is like that.  Unexpected things have happened that have broken my heart.  Good things that were expected didn’t materialize.  Delays and disappointments have been the norm along with a variety of other perplexing circumstances popping up at exactly the wrong time.  It’s been one of those weeks where the cares of the world have pressed in from every side and tried every which way to steal my peace.

But it’s not working.  It’s not working because I’m learning to live in the strive free zone.  Really, I’m learning to live in rest.

Don’t get me wrong–it hasn’t been a stress free zone.  Not by a long shot.  It hasn’t been fun and it hasn’t been easy.  I haven’t always been in a good mood and I haven’t always been filled with faith.  My heart has been hurting  and I’ve been more than a little confused and discouraged. But one thing I haven’t been is anxious or worried.

Really, the bottom line is that I can’t fix any of the things that have been pressing on my heart.  If I could, trust me, I would.  Maybe the past couple decades or so of learning–often out of necessity–to let go and leave things in the hands of the only One who can truly “fix” anything have actually had some sort of impact.  His ways are not my ways, and his timing is rarely my timing–but he has also never failed me.

It has been so tempting to dwell on what I might be doing “wrong.”  It is tempting to question why certain things have happened, and also why certain other things have not happened.  When you’re still waiting for breakthrough in many “near and dear” areas after years and years of praying every way you know to pray and doing everything you know to do, “What am I doing wrong?” sounds like a a pretty legitimate question!  But a friend recently challenged me with an even better question: “What are you doing right?”

What I do right is seek his face.  What I do right is hang out with him without an agenda.  What I do right is long for his courts and hunger after the things of his heart.  What I do right is cling to his word and hope in his goodness.    And what I’m learning to do right is rest in his faithfulness.

Rest.  That really is what it boils down to.  It’s not giving up.  It’s not giving in.  Instead it’s running into him. The battle is for rest, because from rest the battle is won. 

By my own efforts I will never get it all just right.  So instead of striving to make things happen–no matter how good and noble those things may be–I’m going to put my energy into something that actually makes a difference.  I’m going to be diligent to enter into his rest.   Only when my heart is at rest and my gaze is fixed on him, can I truly seek his kingdom and his righteousness from his perspective.  Then I’ll have the energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other–and the focus to simply keep doing the things he has clearly shown me to do. 

I don’t control what happens in this “rest-less” world, but I can choose not to allow that restlessness to enter my own soul.  I can’t make the world stress free, but I can live in the strive free zone.  I can live in a place of rest.  Jesus lived in such a place of rest that he was able to sleep through a storm that completely overwhelmed his disciples.  Once they woke him up, he was able to calm that same storm with a simple command.  I’m convinced we can learn to do the same.  Bill Johnson puts it this way, “We only have authority over the storms we can sleep through.”   In other words, we bring peace into any storm that doesn’t disturb our rest.

Hmm … sleeping through the storms of life.  I’m not there yet, but I want to be.  As a matter of fact, I think I might feel a little yawn coming on.  Must be time for a bit of rest …

In the strive free zone.

“We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” -John 1:14

Grace and truth - two small words large with meaning.  Although they oppose and contradict each other at times, they live in complete harmony within the heart and mind of God.  A paradox for humanity, but integral characteristics of God:  “For the law was given through Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (John 1:17).   

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the subject of grace and truth lately.  Not subjects, plural, but subject, singular, because my focus hasn’t been on the definition of the individual words, but rather on navigating the tension that exists between the two.  This past week my heart has been broken as I’ve witnessed, first-hand, how failing to navigate this particular tension has cost us dearly and divided us horribly.

Truth does not equal law.  Grace does not eliminate truth.  We cannot love one and despise the other.  There are many, particularly within the church, who have allowed fear to define their version of truth.  And there are many, often those wounded by the church, who have created a version of grace that loves and accepts just about everyone except the “traditional” church.  Both claim to love Jesus, yet neither love each other well.

It’s not okay.  We cannot “maintain the unity of the Spirit” let alone ever attain “the unity of faith” if we don’t learn to love and honor those with whom we disagree within the body of Christ. We can’t just love those who think just like us; and we can’t just love the lost and the broken.  Nope, sorry, we need to learn love the ones we’ve attached convenient dismissive labels to: such as “heretic” or “liberal” on one side; and ”legalist” or “Pharisee” on the other.   Only God can judge the heart and if someone has trusted in the shed blood of Jesus for salvation then we need to embrace them - even in our differences - as a brother or sister.  We are often so busy labeling each other and taking the speck out of each other’s eyes, that we continually fail to see the log in our own.   

Jesus IS the Truth - that will never change.  He is also full of grace - that, too, will never change.  But oh how I pray that we will change!  For his sake, for our sake, and for the sake of those watching and waiting to see an authentic demonstration of his love within the church … we must.

Lord, Help us to see the facets of your character missing from our own in the faces of those with whom we disagree. Teach us to walk in truth without forgetting grace; and to walk in grace without denying truth. Jesus, you are filled with both truth and grace – my desire is to be so close to your heart that I am too.  Amen.

Been thinking a lot about glory.  Been pondering and praying, too.  Been longing.  Been hearing a lot of messages that have stirred my soul and made my heart ache, even more, for glory.  The messages are great.  Praying and pondering is great.  But oh to taste.

I have tasted – a little — but there’s more.  There is so, so much more.  I want it.  I want Him.  I love the things He does, but it’s His presence I’m after.  I’m after His heart.  I don’t want to put Him to work every time He shows up — I just want to be with Him.  And He is the God of glory.

There are many good things I’ve prayed for that remain unchanged.  But the best thing I pray for is His glory.  Maybe when I’m transformed, those other things will be transformed, too.  I’m transformed by His glory.   

“And we, who with unveiled faces, all reflect the Lord’s glory are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” ~2 Cor 3:18.

Ever-increasing glory.  We’re not supposed to top out.  We’re not supposed to plateau.  We’re supposed to keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking.  He will answer.  Christ in us is the hope of glory — ever-increasing glory.  Oh how I long for glory!

Jesus,

You are the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being — the exact representation of the God of glory.  When we see You, we see glory.  We were created for glory — that’s where we’ve  fallen short and that’s what You came to restore.  You want us to be with You where You are  and You dwell in glory.  You want us to be transformed into Your image and that means reflecting Your glory.  God, stir within us a longing that goes far beyond polite prayers and a quiet desire.  Stir an unquenchable thirst that cannot — will not — be satisfied with anything less than an ever-increasing revelation of glory.  Burn the chaffe from our lives — the distractions, the fear, the pride, all control and even our well meaning agendas — and make us fit for the glory. Let us cast all lesser desires — no matter how noble and good – down at Your feet until our only remaining cry is for glory.  Christ in us - the hope of glory.  In this generation, Lord, find those who are willing to lay it all down to simply be where You are.  Those who literally live and breathe in harmony with Your heart.  Those who are well acquainted with the courts of heaven and who carry the very fragrance of Your Presence into the world around them.   King of glory reign in us; reign over us; reveal Yourself to us and transform us … until the whole earth is at last filled with Your glory. 

Forever and ever ~

Amen

Time.  Seems there is never enough of it.  I find myself running late far too often.  On any given day I feel like I’m behind on dozens of things. That feeling often carries over from a task level to a heart level.  Often I feel like I’m behind in life. I feel like there are so many things that I should have accomplished by now.  There are many things that I thought would be different by this stage of my life.  Many areas where I had no idea breakthrough would take so long.  Beyond my own life, there are so many areas I thought we (the church) would have laid hold of by now.  It’s easy to get caught up in thinking that there are areas where we’ve just plain “missed it” but I don’t think God ever views it that way.

Several times recently the Lord has challenged me to think of time differently.  Not too long ago I heard a Vineyard song from some years back and a particular line kept jumping out and hitting my heart: “Time is my ally in proving Your love to be true.”

Time as an ally.  Hmmm.  Not how I usually think of it.   But in proving the faithfulness of God, time is an ally!  God, of course, lives outside of time.  He is not bound by the minutes on the clock or the days on the calendar.  He is the Ancient of Days and He sees the beginning from the end.  He always was, is, and forever will be the Sovereign of all creation.   He is not late and He is not running out of time.  He has already seen every decision we will ever make, both individually and collectively. He knows the times and He knows the seasons. Time bows to Him.  And my times are in His hands.

He knew the date, hour and even the minute of my birth.  He knew the generation I’d be living in.  He knew my strengths and He knew my weaknesses.  He knew the exact moment my eyes and heart would be opened to the reality of His love - and He’s known every detail of every victory and heartbreak since then.  My job is simply to say yes and then keep listening for, and taking, the next step. And even if I miss a few, He already knew and He’s planned for that, too!

I’m not late.  You’re not late.  We’re not late.  And God certainly isn’t late.  We’re right on time.  The timetable of eternity is intact.  Does that mean we don’t each have a part to play in partnering with God in His purposes?  Of course we do.  We do need to keep saying yes and we do need to keep putting one foot in front of the other as He leads us.  Unfortunately, it is all too easy to miss our hour of visitation.  We still have choices and we can choose to grow impatient and do our own thing.  But if we’re watching, if we’re waiting - then so is He.  Even if you have checked out of God’s purposes, it’s not too late.  He already knew and He planned ahead.  At this very moment, you can jump back into the timetable of heaven.  He is the great Redeemer.  He is the great Restorer.  He doesn’t just redeem the time - He can even restore the years!  (Joel 2: 25)

Time is my ally in proving His love to be true.  Time is my ally in proving His faithfulness.  Time is my ally in watching and waiting for the plans and purposes of God - the promises of God - to unfold.  

Maybe I’m not running behind afterall.  In fact, I think I might actually be right on time.

So time has slipped by and I missed a week of posting.  Trying not to let that slide into two weeks so here I am at the eleventh hour … again. 

I actually started a post earlier in the week but never finished it.  By the time I got back to it the topic no longer interested me so I’m starting over.  Seems I’m starting over in a lot of ways these days.  You think I’d feel like I’ve actually learned some stuff at this point, but I know I’m still at the beginning of the beginning in the most important pursuit of my life - which is simply knowing him.

I sound like a broken record.  Seems like everything I write, everything I say, everything I pray always comes back to this - ”that I may know him.”   There really isn’t another topic that interests me all that much.  It’s even more at the forefront of my mind and heart lately because I just don’t feel like I’m pursuing Jesus as passionately as I have in the past.  I feel way too distracted way too often.  Although, as always, he is so incredibly tender and sweet with me and so graciously makes his presence real to me in so many ways every single day - I have often thought lately that I’m not pressing into him, not seeking after him, not longing for him like I have in seasons past.  That’s not okay with me.

I’ve prayed for him to pursue me. I’ve prayed for my heart to be awakened.  I’ve done everything I know to do to position myself for greater revelation of him - but more often than I would like I still find myself feeling just a little bit flat.  I can’t manufacture passion, it’s either birthed out of his heart and into mine or it’s just hyped up emotions.  I don’t do hyped up emotions.

Everytime I ask the Lord about it, it seems he just sort of smiles at me and tells me I’m in a good place.  I want to believe that’s really what he is saying, but sometimes it’s hard.  Yet he is so incredibly patient with me. He seems to be going to great pains lately to let me know I’m where I’m supposed to be doing what I’m supposed to be doing even though I would rather he challenge me into a place of deeper devotion. Intstead he loves me where I am and just keeps smiling at me.

I stopped by the prayer room tonight because I wanted to sit in his presence without distractions.  Not long after I got there Rob, one of our worship leaders, was talking about pressing through those “plateaus” we experience with the Lord.   It’s so tempting to just “top out” - to get to a place we’ve contended for and then camp out there rather than continuing to press on for an even deeper revelation of his heart.  My heart was so stirred.  The desire to know him more and want him more is so deep and real in my heart but it just doesn’t seem like there is much I can do to translate it into action these days.  I asked the Lord if I had hit a plateau, thinking maybe that was my problem.  He just smiled (again) and shook his head no.   Then immediately he gave me a cool little picture that sort of brought the season into focus…

I saw a series of multi-tiered platforms.   I was up on a high platform, but there was a ladder suspended from the top of the next platform.  I had grabbed the ladder and had climbed nearly to the top - it was a long climb.  Right above my head - actually within reach - was a trap door that accessed the next level.  I knew that once that door was released, all the blessings of that level - which included the answers to many prayers prayed in previous seasons - would be poured out.  Along  with the outpouring a way would be made to actually inhabit the next level - through the open door.

When we first break through to a new level we’re standing firm on that ground.  All the wisdom and revelation, all the fruit and blessings of that season are fresh and real.  But we’re not called to camp, we’re called to keep moving upward.  As we climb, the farther away we get from the breakthrough of the past season, the less certain and secure things seem.  So much so that by the time you get to the point where you are actually within reach of the next level, you feel like you are sort of suspended in air with nothing familiar to hold onto.  The things that were so prominent in the last season drift into a haze because you’ve climbed so far above them.  It feels really uncomfortable. There’s no place left to climb - the hard work is done.  The only thing you can do is tug on that rope and get ready for that latch to give way. 

I guess it really is a good place.  Doesn’t always feel so good but I know it is. What’s even better is I know that when that door gives way - what will be poured out is more of him.  More wisdom.  More revelation. More of his presence.  More of his heart. 

I can’t seem to do much to make it happen sooner, but it helps knowing it is so close - within arm’s reach.  He has heard my prayers.  He knows my hearts desire is to be wholly his and to burn with holy passion for him - always. Whether or not I feel that reality in the moment I’m praying is irrelevant.   He likes hearts that want to move toward him - and he moves toward them.

Hmm … I think I’m starting to understand why he’s been smiling. 

“I press on to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” - Phil. 3:14

I’ve been attempting to write “something” every week so I’m rushing to get a few thoughts down before this weekend completely slips away.  It’s been a busy week and a lot has happened.  There is no way I can do justice to all that God has been doing and showing me recently in the few brief moments I have to sit down at my computer. But I’ll do what I can.

When you get right down to it, that’s all he ever asks any of us to do - what we can.  And he’s never confused about what that does and doesn’t mean.  He knows exactly what I can and can’t do.  He knows where I have understanding, and where I’m still clueless.  He knows where I’m gifted and called, and where things just don’t fit.  He knows what I’m prepared for, and where there is still work to do.  Best of all, none of this impedes his work in and through my life one little bit.  As long as I’m still willing to do what I can.  And right now, what I can do is simply take a walk with him.

That’s what this season is all about for me - taking a walk.  It’s what I can do. But doing what I can has meant different things in different seasons.  There have been seasons (loooong seasons) of plowing hard ground.  There have been seasons of standing (”having done all, stand”). There have been seasons of taking great risks and seasons to reflect and rest.  But this season isn’t about any of those things.  All I hear him asking me to do right now is put one foot in front of the other and match his steps.  He just wants me to take a walk with him. 

Sounds simple.  And I suppose it actually is quite simple, but it’s not been particularly easy.   It’s not the walking part that’s difficult, it’s where the walk is leading.  I’m walking into things that I feel like I’ve tried and failed at a thousand times, but he says, “Walk there with me one more time.”  I’m walking into gifts and callings that have been up on the shelf so long I wasn’t sure they were ever real in the first place.  I’m walking back into dreams and desires that would really be so much easier to just give up on.  I’m walking out of a place of hiddenness and into the open.  Really, I’m walking into destiny.

I thought it would feel different.  Maybe it will at some point.  Right now, all I can do is grip his hand real tight and just keep walking.  It’s been a long road getting to this point and honestly I’m not sure I can do more than take one little baby step at a time. With each new step, I keep expecting to run into the same roadblocks that have hindered me in previous seasons but - little by little, bit by bit - he just keeps rolling out the red carpet.

I’m more accustomed to brick walls than red carpets, so my steps are still a bit tentative.  I’m in absolutely no hurry and I think he’s just fine with that.  He’s not asking me to run.  He’s not asking me to jump off a cliff or go out on a limb.  Been there, done that.  And if that was what he was asking me to do, I imagine the grace would be there and I would be able to do it again.  But he’s not asking me to do any of those things and I’m glad.  He’s just asking me to keep putting one foot in front of the other … and take a walk with him.

And maybe, just maybe, we’re actually going somewhere this time. 

I had a great day yesterday and my quick Facebook update last evening reflected that fact.  This is what I posted:  “Been completely undone most of the afternoon and I’m so glad.  Jesus is so ridiculously good it is embarassing.”

When I got home last night, there was a comment on the post:  “Really?  I would love to hear one of your God stories, would you share with me?”   So Tina, this “story” is for you.

I’ve actually heard a lot of great God stories lately.  I’ve seen breakthrough happening all around me.  I’m seeing more and more people stepping up and stepping out.  It’s awesome and it’s amazing.  I’ve seen and heard of incredible stories of opportunity and provision; of miraculous healings, salvations and deliverance; of divine appointments and God enounters of every shape and size.  For many, prayers prayed for years - if not decades - have come to fruition in a single moment.   I’ve seen more people take huge leaps of faith into divine destiny than ever before - and as they’ve stepped out onto the water, again and again, I’ve seen God meet them in remarkable ways. Yep, it seems that  ”God stories” have been abounding in this season like no other that I can recall.

I’ve had plenty of my own amazing God stories over the years. Sometimes I go back through my journals just to reflect upon and remember all the amazing things he’s done in my life.  Some of those things have been huge and miraculous; others have been simple and sweet divine moments that served to confirm his word and his promises.  All have testified to his goodness and his faithfulness.   I treasure each of them.  But there is something I treasure even more - and that “something” is at the heart of this story.

Ironically, I started the day yesterday by asking God to “do” something.  I’ve heard so many amazing testimonies lately that I guess I was feeling a little left out.  Sometimes it feels like it has been a while since he has done any real “God stuff” in my life.  I wanted to see something tangible.  I didn’t.  Instead I saw him.

And that’s my story.  That’s why it was such an amazing day. That’s why I was undone.  That’s why I was reminded - again - of how ridiculously good he is.   I simply spent the day hanging out with him.  He knows me better than I know me.  He knows what I need.  He knows what I want.  And what I need; what I want - is him.

This really is my story.  Honestly it’s the only one I’ve got.  At the end of the day, it’s the only one I really care about.  The other stories are great.  Miracles are great.  Breakthrough is great.  Being used by God is amazing.  Being blessed by God in tangible ways is wonderful.  Divine appointments and divine assignments  charge me up, but divine encounters fill me up.  Having a lot of God stories is great, but having a lot of God is better.  So, so much better. In fact, Someone I know called it “choosing the better part.”  I think he was onto something.

I love his presence.  I love him.  This is my story.  What’s funny is when I do just “hang out” with him, I tend to realize just how much “God stuff” he is doing in my life on a daily basis.  In many ways, the supernatural has become so natural to me that sometimes I simply forget how supernatural - and even miraculous - my life is virtually all the time.

Yes, I am still waiting for breakthrough in a number of areas.  And yes, I am still believing I’ll have some more great stories to share.  But there is no greater testimony - no greater story - than to simply be his.  It is my most fervent desire that this “one thing”  remain the overarching story of my life.

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. I am my Beloved’s and His desire is for me.

This is my story.  Anything else is pretty much filler.

“Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers.” –Song of Songs 1:4

I picked up my bible today and began reading Song of Solomon but I couldn’t get past the first few verses. My spirit was flooded with a longing to be swept away by him again.  My heart swelled with the desire to be brought into the King’s chamber—into the secret place of intimate communion with him.  All I could say, over and over again, was “Take me away with you.”I have quite a history with Jesus in this beautiful Song of all songs, but sadly, I haven’t spent much time there lately.   I’ve been far too easily distracted by things that are merely good and, as a result, I have sometimes missed what’s best.  Even in his presence, often I’m interceding for someone or something, or seeking revelation for this that or the other thing, or just randomly chattering at him rather than getting lost in his love and enjoying the unfathomable privilege of just being with him.  Not a good thing when simply being with him is literally the lifeblood of my existence.